England's World Cup tournement keeps going from bad to worse with insipid displays on the pitch, and pressure being piled on manager and team by the media off of it. But who cares about that now? They'll still qualify. So let's look at the marketing around their team against Alergia instead.

According to Wikipedia,” proclaims a precocious young brand junky in a near empty hospitality box somewhere in the south stand of the Green Point Stadium an hour or so after what is widely regarded as the most lamentable performance ever by an England team, “all known higher lifeforms require a subtle and complex electrolyte balance between the intracellular and extracellular milieu.

Offering his iPad to the person he is trying to impress, who is not in the least impressed, and pointing at the Powerade hoardings way below, he continues: “If this is the case, then as a drink rich in electrolytes, we can only assume that a) the England team’s regular Powerade intake is being temporarily negated by some kind of genetic imbalance, or cellular disconnect somewhere between the intra and extra milieu although this, of course, would be very difficult to prove, if indeed it could be proved at all, or b) the England players are not higher lifeforms after all, which as anyone knows, is simply not true.

Listen boyo,” shoots back some suit with a large glass of 15.5% Pinotage in his hand, his eighth or ninth of the day, “I don’t know what you’re on about, I don’t know what electrolytes are or what they do, if they do anything at all, but what I do know is that we lacked energy tonight. The tanks were empty. Maybe Capello or Psycho should reach out to whoever it is that runs [pause as he also squints down at the touchline] Yingli Solar. Those guys are a solar energy outfit so if they can’t find a way to re-energise the duds out there on the pitch then nobody can. Nice placement, by the way, from Yingli Solar.

Hear hear,” says the precocious brand junky, who has been scanning the ad hoardings around the pitch himself and has seen a clear opportunity to shine once again. “You know, for Wednesday night’s match, maybe Budweiser could change Budunited.com, which I have to say is a very clever and seamless synthesis of online and out-door marketing —to Dudunited.com? After all, who needs an online reality TV show when you’ve got a real-life farce playing out right in front of you on the pitch?

Well said,” interjects a third corporate straggler, finishing off the last of the very last bottle of Vin de Constance. “Ce soir was a disaster, a calamity for Team England, zero passion, even less energy. That bird sitting on the net was sat in the safest seat in the stadium. FIFA may trust Mahindra Satyam but I’m not sure you could trust any of England’s forwards to even get a shot on goal right now.

In my eyes,” puts in the suit with the Pinotage, now pouring his tenth glass of the day, “not that I can see so well at this particular moment in time, it’s Sony that has hit the jackpot in South Africa 2010. With Italy on the rack, the French in disarray, Germany losing to whoever it was and England seriously out of sorts, the whole tournament is looking pretty make. believe. Hell’s bells, there are more unexpected twists than an episode of Midsomer Murders.

Lovelock has previously described the marketing around the England v USA match.

England play their final group match against Slovenia tomorrow and need a win to qualify for the knockout stages of the tournement.